Solutions to Popular Scandals
So, the last few of my posts have been political, so I decided to make this one about everyone’s favorite subject: Celebrities. I’m going to assume that Celebrities aren’t as smart as I am, so I’ve decided to put out a few suggestions for how they could avoid trouble.
Martha Stewart: She played her cards right for awhile, insider trading can be quite lucrative. But eventually she went to jail for lying to investigators. She should have sold out her partners in 2 seconds flat, and made a deal for herself. Loyalty is no substitute for fat stacks of cash.
Barry Bonds: Ok, so he’s considered one of the best baseball players of all time, kind of like Deep Blue is one of the best chess players of all time. They’re like, well, sure he’s good, because he’s mostly steroid. The solution is to stop taking steroids and switch to Spinach, as we all know from Popeye, will give you super human strength.
Britney Spears: So what? So she took an immense amount of drugs for 4 years, smoked 3 packs a day, drank 1/5 of scotch every 12 hours, and had sex with lots of dudes, had multiple children, in and out of rehab, shaved her head, forgot underwear in public and showed her…..You know what, there’s no way to save this one.
Al Gore’s Son - Stopped by the police with alcohol and drugs in his car. This caused extreme embarrassment for his family, who easily could have blamed it on global warming. (The UV rays heated up the leather seats, converting it to cocaine).
Michael Vick: Many people say that Vick was simply immature and stupid. This is true, but only because he was doing DOG fights. Everyone likes dogs. Other animal fights are easily as fun, and cause less outrage. Solution? Walrus fights.